“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God

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OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?

ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex


[during sex]

her: hurt me

me: there’s only one season of firefly


cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong

superman: lmao they’re not on wrong


superman: wait is this wrong


Eye of the Tiger came on the radio so I jumped out my car and shadow boxed till the light turned green.


Eight glasses of water a day? Nope. I do a minimum of sixteen. Keeps you looking young. Take me for example. I was born in 1926.


I’m going to hire a Priest, a Doctor and a Rabbi to walk into a bar together just to see WTF happens. Backup Plan: I’ll also bring a horse.


I couldn’t be trusted with a time machine. I’d get killed going back and testing whether or not Velociraptors really could open doors.


[at airport]

TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.

ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning


I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.

-me watching hockey