You know what doesn’t cry? Birth control
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
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INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.