“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God

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You know what doesn’t cry? Birth control


INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?

ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.


ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species


While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section


If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.


BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]


[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right


Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.

Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.