@croninwhocares

“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God

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@F5X11

You know what doesn’t cry? Birth control

@BradBroaddus

INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?

ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.

@panmidwest

ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species

@shutupmikeginn

While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section

@Parkerlawyer

If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.

@joejwest

[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]

@CornOnTheGoblin

[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right

@ianpauldukes

Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.

Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.