Know why I pulled you over?
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
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DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.