@Ygrene

Know why I pulled you over?

“No sir”

1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha

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@ArfMeasures

DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.

ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?

@kenzianidiot

devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat

@GensPlace

When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.

@kimlockhartga

A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.

@batkaren

Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.

@SvnSxty

Surgeon: I can’t find the clot

Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise

@Home_Halfway

Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram

@weasel_babe

triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture

@NewDadNotes

God: you’re an amphibian.

Frog: what does that mean?

God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.

Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?

God: no that’s not what I-

Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.