@NikiWithIssues

Knowing is half the battle. The other half is choosing the right pokemon.

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@GrantTanaka

Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol

@PatsATweetin

horse prosecutor: did you do it?

horse defendant: neigh

horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again

horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!

@SamGirlSunday

Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.

@ms__pauline

Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄

@PhilLaysheO

If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?

@hashtag_stacks

I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.

@Sarcasticsapien

Make your day more fun by going up to a stranger and asking “Hey, how have you been since the amnesia?”