Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
You Might Also Like
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”
At an art museum and I thought this was art
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.
This a good idea
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.
“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.
[Camping]
Her: You didn’t bring food?
Him: No
Her: Or toilet paper?
Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
Breaking news:
dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.