Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
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Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
I mean…but I did
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
incredible text to wake up to
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
(by @ZachWeiner )
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*