@SwedishCanary: Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it's not necessary to show it off.
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@Rollinintheseat: *Comments on Facebook picture* "That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness."
@bridger_w: If you're burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, "I seriously love your place"
@iwearaonesie: *wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist* "Dad are you coming too?" Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
@gorrdano: I've replaced my friends insulin with heroin. This is the most expensive prank I've ever done but it's ok, I'll rob him when he's dead.