@Rollinintheseat: *Comments on Facebook picture* "That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness."

@bridger_w: If you're burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, "I seriously love your place"

@iwearaonesie: *wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist* "Dad are you coming too?" Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me

@gorrdano: I've replaced my friends insulin with heroin. This is the most expensive prank I've ever done but it's ok, I'll rob him when he's dead.

@Home_Halfway: ME: Hey you haven't talked to me lately, are you mad at me FRIEND: No things are just really awful ME: Oh thank god FRIEND: What