@pmann555

Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.

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@El_nacho_Nigre

“Gotta wake up early”

*sets alarm for 5am*

*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*

*goes back to sleep*

@FredTaming

[ first date ]

me: i’d like to see you again

chameleon: oh sorry

me: there you are

@ky_chu

Who called it death by autoerotic asphyxiation and not final fantasy

@UGotMeRight

If I ever run into Captian Crunch, I’m gonna punch him in the roof of his mouth.

@HallpassCanada

Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.

@Glennot73

kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card

*takes card*

kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?

no

is this your card ?

no

*27 cards later* is this your card ?

no…

@sixfootcandy

I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.

@PaperWash

What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?