Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.
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“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
Who called it death by autoerotic asphyxiation and not final fantasy
If I ever run into Captian Crunch, I’m gonna punch him in the roof of his mouth.
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
is this your card ?
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?