there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?
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Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
Me too, bag. Me too….
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them
ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?