Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.

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“Gotta wake up early”

*sets alarm for 5am*

*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*

*goes back to sleep*


[ first date ]

me: i’d like to see you again

chameleon: oh sorry

me: there you are


Who called it death by autoerotic asphyxiation and not final fantasy


If I ever run into Captian Crunch, I’m gonna punch him in the roof of his mouth.


Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.


kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card

*takes card*

kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?


is this your card ?


*27 cards later* is this your card ?



I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.


What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?