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“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
If you’re testing me, we failed.
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
[at seance]
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: I’m here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it