@MikeBigby

Knuckle tats:

(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)

(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)

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@omerwahaj

Cop (catches me with a bag of marijuana, a dead duck and a dead crow): Sir, what were you doing?

Me: Killing two birds while being stoned.

@d_duhwit

Dealer: …and this car comes with a back up camera.
Me: Cool, Where’s the main camera?
Dealer: No, there’s just one camera; for backing up.
Me: Ah yes, *nodding* to the cloud.
Dealer: No.

@NotthatAdamWest

April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.

@whatmaddness

Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.

@dmc1138

“How much to go into this haunted house?”

“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”

“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”

@charliedelta7

I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.

@notfaizzy

Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.

Cat: *meow*

@sofarrsogud

Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else

Me: I love all the letters equally

@My_Ego_Altered

I’m eating a bottle of glitter so when I get drunk and throw up tonight people will think I’m a unicorn in human form.

@kellysdf

Send a guy to the grocery store without a list, and you deserve whatever you get.