Cop (catches me with a bag of marijuana, a dead duck and a dead crow): Sir, what were you doing?
Me: Killing two birds while being stoned.
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Dealer: …and this car comes with a back up camera.
Me: Cool, Where’s the main camera?
Dealer: No, there’s just one camera; for backing up.
Me: Ah yes, *nodding* to the cloud.
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
I’m eating a bottle of glitter so when I get drunk and throw up tonight people will think I’m a unicorn in human form.
Send a guy to the grocery store without a list, and you deserve whatever you get.