*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
You Might Also Like
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
I forgot how to panic. Help
My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza