@animadvertguy

Knuckle tats:

(B) (O) (R) (N)
(W) (I) (T) (H)
(T) (O) (O) (O)
(M) (A) (N) (Y)
(H) (A) (N) (D)

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@NotJPo

In my house there are 5 females, 9423 pony tail holders, 49 bottles of nail polish, 8 justin bieber posters & 1 very patient, worn down man.

@Shenaniglenns

Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds

@squirrel74wkgn

[at store]

Salesperson: May I help you?

Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week

@PaperWash

[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?

@mimicz

Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…

@NewDadNotes

Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.

Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.

Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.

Aquaman: but-

Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.

@Pork_Chop_Hair

Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.

@TheCamJude

Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”

Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”

@TalibJim

Guys WhatsApp status be like “at the gym” since 2014…. Brother are you going to fight Brock Lesnar or just trying to get 12 pack??!!!