@animadvertguy

Knuckle tats:

(B) (O) (R) (N)
(W) (I) (T) (H)
(T) (O) (O) (O)
(M) (A) (N) (Y)
(H) (A) (N) (D)

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@BuckyIsotope

WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down

@Thedudish

“Is my butt is too big?” my girlfriend asked, staring at her reflection in the mirror. Sensing a trap, I fell to the ground and played dead.

@PaperWash

Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?

Me: is that on Netflix?

@chuuew

I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.

@BlindChow

[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call

@MarfSalvador

my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much

me: let me out then

@choo_ek

Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy

#medicalvalentine

@SondraDeeMe

ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.

@Dadpression

The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.