Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
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I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.
Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet
Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”