@Be___Dope

Knuckle tats:

(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)

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@CompChristopher

If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers

@HelloCullen

I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution

@Marlebean

I think my husband is psychic!

“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”

{from other room}
“You look great!”

@taladorei

with everyone on lockdown, the lime scooters are finally returning to the river. nature is healing, we are the virus.

@3sunzzz

My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.

@murfer28

I don’t want to lock my account because I like to help my X’s feel better about themselves when they check in & make sure I’m still a drunk.

@OhighIsis

Mom called to ask if I’d take her shopping.

Me: What time?

Mom: Anytime between 1-4.

Apparently my Mom works for the cable company now.

@IamEnidColeslaw

today I went for a run & a homeless guy was like WHAT ARE YOU RUNNING FROM & I was like EVERYTHING

@Breadery

Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.

@DaddyJew

Doctor: drink 2 cups of water before each meal

Me: why?

D: it tricks your stomach into thinking its full

M: that sounds like a mean trick