Knuckle tats:


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If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers


I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution


I think my husband is psychic!

“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”

{from other room}
“You look great!”


with everyone on lockdown, the lime scooters are finally returning to the river. nature is healing, we are the virus.


My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.


I don’t want to lock my account because I like to help my X’s feel better about themselves when they check in & make sure I’m still a drunk.


Mom called to ask if I’d take her shopping.

Me: What time?

Mom: Anytime between 1-4.

Apparently my Mom works for the cable company now.


today I went for a run & a homeless guy was like WHAT ARE YOU RUNNING FROM & I was like EVERYTHING


Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.


Doctor: drink 2 cups of water before each meal

Me: why?

D: it tricks your stomach into thinking its full

M: that sounds like a mean trick