@kDuncanG

Knuckle Tattoo Idea:

* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *

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@wank_666

British people: why does everyone hate us

Also British people:

@PuncherJetpack

Not saying obamacare is perfect but the data doesn’t lie. With Obamacare there’ve been zero Hitlers. Before obamacare there was at least one

@TheRolo

[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”

[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”

[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”

@GingerAtLaw

No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED

@WilliamRodgers

What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…

@iheartgunts

A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”

@RachelWenitsky

TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.

@adamlucidi

You’re following a man who once stole someone’s garbage can lid and used it as an umbrella. That’s on you.

@daviddeweil

If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.