British people: why does everyone hate us
Also British people:
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
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Not saying obamacare is perfect but the data doesn’t lie. With Obamacare there’ve been zero Hitlers. Before obamacare there was at least one
[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”
[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”
“Welcome to Management”
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
Yes, how much for the baby jacuzzi?
Ma’am, that’s a crockpot.
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.
You’re following a man who once stole someone’s garbage can lid and used it as an umbrella. That’s on you.
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.