[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
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Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
Classic German Shepherd 😂
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
When I snag the last meatball.
He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
Something Saturday.
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
who did the taste test?
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?
Me: Buy stuff
ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.