kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*
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Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
There are usually two types of merchants.
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
I falcon love using swear birds
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel