@2tonbug

Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.

Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.

- @2tonbug

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[bank robbery]

Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it

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Enrique:I can be your hero baby
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E:I can kiss away your pain
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ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
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WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.

@bylinetd

Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.

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@iam__kaycee

*Dating a Jealous dude*

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Her: I’m in the church
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@DionneMcNutt

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