Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
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The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA
I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.
Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.
Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute