*sets fire to a pile of dirty clothes*
And just like that, laundry is done.
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
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I’m pretty big on body art
*pulls up sleeve to reveal tattoo of a hoof with “Hoof-arted” written underneath*
[comes home from store]
Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?
Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?
NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in
When Siri has her period she uses an iPad.
I hate myself.
I think it’s just about time to sit my 9yr old down and give her the “Your mom is a pyscho and you’re probably gonna end up one too” speech.
‘Nothing like a real book’ I say
‘The scent, pages between my fingers- cracking the spine!’
My tree girlfriend’s parents sway uncomfortably
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?