@2tonbug

Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.

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@perfect_messs

*sets fire to a pile of dirty clothes*

And just like that, laundry is done.

@cosminaut

I’m pretty big on body art
*pulls up sleeve to reveal tattoo of a hoof with “Hoof-arted” written underneath*

@SteveSuckington

[comes home from store]

Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?

Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?

@dorsalstream

NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.

ME: Oh that makes much more sense.

[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]

@bees_wingz

No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.

@debon7

I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in

@Parentpains

I think it’s just about time to sit my 9yr old down and give her the “Your mom is a pyscho and you’re probably gonna end up one too” speech.

@iamspacegirl

‘Nothing like a real book’ I say
‘The scent, pages between my fingers- cracking the spine!’

My tree girlfriend’s parents sway uncomfortably