Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
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COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
Me: Do your chores.
9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!
Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.
9: I didn’t know they would follow me.
*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
“You’d better run, egg!”
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.