I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
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I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
How to draw a duck
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap
*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit
*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.
OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…