Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
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High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww
man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown