The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.
Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.
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“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
batman: who do I see about this ticket?
cop: oh, I wrote it
batman: who tickets the batmobile!?
cop: you were illegally parked
batman: I was fighting crime!
cop: rules are rules
batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!
cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket