Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
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Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
These work great until they don’t.
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
[first day at the cia]
supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.
me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.