[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
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Me *enters new password*
Computer: ok
Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?
Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well
Me *crying* that’s not true
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
My blood type is b hungry.
I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop:
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
When a shoelace touches your ankle
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage
Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd
Doctor: Oh no
Wife: Oh shit he’s the same
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.