Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
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cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder
Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask
Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me
Husband: But it’s just us and we are home
Me: *tightening mask*
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.
FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.