Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to lifeMe: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.
Genie: There are four rules…
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Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
genie: you can’t wish for more wishes
me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world
genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan
me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes
alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!