Kuwait a minute. Yemen to tell me if Iraq up this war debt Iran the economy into Syria’s trouble? Oman, can someone tell me if this Israel?

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Girl: I like good boys

Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*


NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax

[5 minutes later]

me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad


Robber: Nothin. Looks like someone’s been here before us.
Robber2: Ya, and they sure trashed the place.
Me *from under bed*: Maybe he’s just been busy.


My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.


“Mom! Mom! Hold this cockroach while I grab the lizard!”

–Things I honestly never imagined I’d hear as a parent


[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times


Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.


[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”


I’m excited for the zombie apocalypse so I can trap famous dead celebrities and make the best Broadway show ever assembled.