Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
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Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.
The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk