Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever

General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet

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Wow the weather sure is getting cool *A cloud rolls by wearing sunglasses and smoking an unfiltered cigarette*


*camera pans to a pair of sneakers hanging over a power line*

*Sean Connery takes a long drag of his cigarette*

“It was a… shoeishide”


I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.


My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.


Guy: “Do you have a lighter?”
Me: “Yep”
Guy: “You smoke?”
Me: “No, you just never know when you’re gonna need to light someone on fire.”


Me: *pointing gun at husband*

Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake

Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*

Me: but he does all of the laundry

Husband: oh no


Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese

Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood


Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?

Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-

Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!

Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.


A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.