Wow the weather sure is getting cool *A cloud rolls by wearing sunglasses and smoking an unfiltered cigarette*
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
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*camera pans to a pair of sneakers hanging over a power line*
*Sean Connery takes a long drag of his cigarette*
“It was a… shoeishide”
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
Guy: “Do you have a lighter?”
Guy: “You smoke?”
Me: “No, you just never know when you’re gonna need to light someone on fire.”
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.