Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
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“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
Labreador