@Pork_Chop_Hair

Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started

Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton

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@ObscureGent

Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff

@daemonic3

[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE

ME: Dude, are you ok?!

[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR

ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!

@climaxximus

I admire goats because I also eat garbage and scream at people

@ClichedOut

my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager

@Shock_Monster

After seeing some of the names on kids these days, you wonder if their parents were going all in for the Triple Word Score.

@dumbbeezie

My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor

@skitzoette

“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”