wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
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Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
Million-dollar idea:
Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
My ideal weight is five million dollars
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.