Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
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Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
#CatsOnTwitter
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
this will hang in the louvre one day
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
[cabin rentals]
DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.