Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.
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Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
This sounds bad:
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
Where’s my employee discount too?
How I like cutting carbs
Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece