Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker

General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.

Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs

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Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.


me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school

spy hq: none suspect you, right?

me: roger

spy hq: keep her in sight


teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?

me: i’ve been made

spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!


Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.


I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.


*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.


If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.