Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
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I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
Relationship Status: changing locks
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
spy hq: keep her in sight
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!
This is the saddest product I have ever seen in my life.
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.