Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
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People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Me: tempting.
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
Me: please tell me my future, madame
Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’
Me: awesome
Palm reader: in sharpie
Me: yeah
Palm reader: you’re going to die alone
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?[typing ellipses for a solid minute]
HER: yes
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.