@StarWarsProblms

Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?

Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.

Kylo:

Leia:

Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?

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@captainkalvis

therapist: what’s your biggest fear

me: ghost chameleons bc they have

therapist: [gasps] double invisibility

@iatemuggles

divorce lawyers waiting to open up after couples spent all the time together in isolation

@offbeatoliv

Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.

@david8hughes

You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.

@Kristen_Arnett

ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house

@reallifemommy3

I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way

@chelliet22

Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!

@thenatewolf

I saw an old couple sharing a newspaper and was like “oh wow maybe marriage is cool” and then the lady said “STOP BREATHING ON ME”

@tyrellxavier

I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭

@IamEnidColeslaw

today I went for a run & a homeless guy was like WHAT ARE YOU RUNNING FROM & I was like EVERYTHING