therapist: what’s your biggest fear
me: ghost chameleons bc they have
therapist: [gasps] double invisibility
Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?
Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.
Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?
You Might Also Like
divorce lawyers waiting to open up after couples spent all the time together in isolation
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
I saw an old couple sharing a newspaper and was like “oh wow maybe marriage is cool” and then the lady said “STOP BREATHING ON ME”
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
today I went for a run & a homeless guy was like WHAT ARE YOU RUNNING FROM & I was like EVERYTHING