Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?
Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.
Kylo:
Leia:
Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?
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mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”
To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
These are too funny not to post 😂
You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*
Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.