Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.
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Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
the pigeons are already plenty salty
The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
become ungovernable
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
Me: *calls* How are my kids?
Grandma: We’re having so much fun
Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-
Grandma: Come get your kids.
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.