[La Brea Tarpits]
ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times
SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway
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Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
Muppet Screams
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”
All food is good if you spell it wrong
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
me: please
fa: thimble of soda
me: ok
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?
I know you do. That’s why I do it.