Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
[La Brea Tarpits]
ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times
SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway
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I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
The best way to be passive aggressive to a trophy store is to order a “Worst Trophy Shop” trophy and then never pick it up.
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
Riley can be a little girl’s name, it’s not always a dog’s name. If someone says Riley’s been sick don’t bring up euthanasia right away.
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard…..
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked me “Where were you between four and six?” I replied, “Kindergarden”