@capnwatsisname

[La Brea Tarpits]

ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times

SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway

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@MythicPicnic

Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.

@JermHimselfish

I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.

@KatieBurnett

Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?

@rolldiggity

The best way to be passive aggressive to a trophy store is to order a “Worst Trophy Shop” trophy and then never pick it up.

@ClichedOut

Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.

Me: I wish for unlimited genies.

Genie: Son of a

@SaulKewl

Riley can be a little girl’s name, it’s not always a dog’s name. If someone says Riley’s been sick don’t bring up euthanasia right away.

@SassyTxGirl83

Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard…..

Pillow fight

@DeronH

A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked me “Where were you between four and six?” I replied, “Kindergarden”