@sixfootcandy

[LA Earthquake]

Me: Wow, do you feel tha-

Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!

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@shkeeber

1. Dial random number.

2. Wait for answering machine.

3. Say “My wife is out of town, I miss you”.

4. Hang up.

5. Happy Valentine’s Day.

@malt_skull

INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me

@hansabumsadaisy

#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?

The slowest swimmer.

@amydillon

I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.

@BuckyIsotope

BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*

@cravin4

My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.

@Playing_Dad

Me: Not to be racist but you look like you’re sick
Her: How was that racist?
Me: I said “not to be racist” you must be sicker than I thought

@hasht4g

How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.

@StranDadAbroad

Geologists are still pissed the phrase, “it’s not rock science” never caught on.