[LA Earthquake]

Me: Wow, do you feel tha-

Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!

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1. Dial random number.

2. Wait for answering machine.

3. Say “My wife is out of town, I miss you”.

4. Hang up.

5. Happy Valentine’s Day.


INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me


What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?

The slowest swimmer.


I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.


BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*


My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.


Me: Not to be racist but you look like you’re sick
Her: How was that racist?
Me: I said “not to be racist” you must be sicker than I thought


How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.


Geologists are still pissed the phrase, “it’s not rock science” never caught on.