@bromanconsul

LA girls say they want to go on “adventures” but when I pitch the idea of overthrowing the yakuza they clarify that they meant, like, hiking

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@AdamOfEarth

“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”

@dafloydsta

FRIEND: Women like when you’re mysterious
ME: Okay
[later on date]
HER: So where are we going tonight?
ME: None of your goddamn business

@CodyJP9412

HER: What’re you most afraid of?

ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.

@tiemoose

FRODO: what is it?

SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been

FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam

[literally one step later]

SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been

FRODO: wait no

@MarcusTheToken

Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.

@just1fool

I don’t know if I should go after that ghost or not.

~Drunk Pac-Man

@erichwithach

So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.