Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
LA girls say they want to go on “adventures” but when I pitch the idea of overthrowing the yakuza they clarify that they meant, like, hiking
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Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
Men can read maps better than women. Cause only the male mind could conceive of one inch equalling a hundred miles.
Joe: Yes, that was me.
Obama: Please stop.
Joe: I will not stop. This room will smell so bad when he gets here.
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
Girl, I like you so much, I might even let you hold my phone….some day, while its locked
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.