@bromanconsul

LA girls say they want to go on “adventures” but when I pitch the idea of overthrowing the yakuza they clarify that they meant, like, hiking

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@BobTheSuit

Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.

@jakob_huber

Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.

@lizetagge

Men can read maps better than women. Cause only the male mind could conceive of one inch equalling a hundred miles.

@aaronpaul_8

Joe: Yes, that was me.

Obama: Please stop.

Joe: I will not stop. This room will smell so bad when he gets here.

Obama: Joe…

Joe: Nope.

@colegamble

The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.

@FrazzleMyGimp

ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?

Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.

@KalvinMacleod

[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?

@imagine_vegas

Girl, I like you so much, I might even let you hold my phone….some day, while its locked

@LostFelicia

I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.