[Lab]
Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.
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why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?
Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.
Me: [also now staring at the floor]
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap
Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake
“Oh, insomnia?”
No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?