@Donna_McCoy

Label: Non-habit forming

Me: Challenge accepted

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@jellybnbonanza

If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.

@Rich_McCarthy

Going through the dealership lot with the salesman, pointing at every car and asking, “what kinda robot does that one turn into?”

@FredTaming

one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it

@TheBoydP

The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.

@causticbob

A wise Chinese man once said,

“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”

@CulturedRuffian

I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.

@WheelTod

Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.

@canadasandra

I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.

@goldengateblond

I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.

@RuinMyWeek

I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.