Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
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The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
[first day as a doctor]
me: we need to amputate your son’s leg
mother: i want a second opinion!
me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually
mother: no, another doctor
another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish