Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[ day 2 of self quarantine ]

me: i’m bored

my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe

why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me

I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.

Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard cats screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. They are just probably in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT

burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”

My son, 5, scared of the thunder.

I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.

Think that helped.

I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky

I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂

I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.

ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!

CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No

[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job

I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”

I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.

ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them

COP: yes but please don’t cup my face

If you watch the Fast & Furious series in reverse, it’s about tough guys who have a change of heart and return stolen cars and decide to scale back their dangerous stunts to more sensible, low-budget ones and they all become youthful and more relaxed because of the lowered stress

Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.

I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.

THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure

Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”

Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you

thank god I have a cat. who else is gonna shit in this box I have

Kitchen Rule No 1.

Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.

Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?

Me: We were robbed.

Husband: They only took the cookies?

Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?

The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.

I think the 2 yr old is ready to watch Texas Chainsaw Massacre

I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.

Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.