Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
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Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
CDC: you should wear masks
everyone: where do we get masks
CDC: idk. just need you to wear them
this is the funniest wrong number text i’ve ever gotten
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
German cartoonist Martin Perscheid