[labels account “18+”]

[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]

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Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?


Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.

Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.


I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”


CDC: you should wear masks

everyone: where do we get masks

CDC: idk. just need you to wear them


this is the funniest wrong number text i’ve ever gotten


Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?

Me: No it was just wings.


Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?


[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]


All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.