[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
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Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?
I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.