[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
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Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
“Choose password”
> 123bob“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones“OK”
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear