Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
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*limbos under the caution tape
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
Wife: What is this?
Me: The grocery list
W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”
Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.
Or help them move.
Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”