@TheToddWilliams

[Lab]

MONSTER: What is my name?

“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”

MONSTER: But that is your name

“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”

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@Douchekevin

The girl next door looks over at me, then her phone, then makes a disgusted look on her face.

I think she’s just found my twitter account

@bonehugsnirony

A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.

@tchrquotes

Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?

@Maxine12333

The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.

@SarcasticSadOne

Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.

Brain: you adorable idiot.

@BoogTweets

*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*

HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!

@pixelatedboat

“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw

@UnFitz

The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.

@primawesome

This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.