*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
You Might Also Like
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
Important reminders
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake