Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
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DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?
Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!
Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.