@coalslag

Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.

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@BoomBoomBetty

Me: Forever young!

Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.

Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.

@NourHadidi

The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.

And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.

@Lisabug74

Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.

@HeidiStevens13

When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.

@LlamaInaTux

airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.

@Michael1979

There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl

@PinkCamoTO

I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.

@TheBoydP

Who’s the idiot that made the rule that the nicest restaurants must give you the smallest portions?

@thesulk

Hulu coming to PS3. Finally I can watch TV on my TV.