How many pushups can Ryan Gosling do?
All of them.
Lactose intolerant means you shouldn’t eat dairy products.
Lack Toast & Tolerant means you don’t have any toast and you’re okay with it.
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I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!
8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
*drops the mic*
*scrambles around trying to pick up the mic*
*other guy covering my mic in butter*
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.