Facebook marketplace is a different world
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A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
Twitter basically:
Person: “These socks are itchy.”
Other people:
“That’s not true. I have socks that aren’t itchy.”
“You shouldn’t generalize about socks.”
“Some people need itchy socks. Stop crapping on them.”
“First-world foot problems.”
“The real problem is shoes.”
I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
This squirrel eats better than I do
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
Left at a local drug store…
*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit