@OhhBradd
How many pushups can Ryan Gosling do?
All of them.
@poutinesmoothie
Lactose intolerant means you shouldn’t eat dairy products.
Lack Toast & Tolerant means you don’t have any toast and you’re okay with it.
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@OhhBradd
@RandomAntics
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
@KeetPotato
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
@InternetHippo
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
@HousewifeOfHell
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
@Skullcat
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
@NewDadNotes
God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!
@mommajessiec
8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
@trojansauce
[rap battle]
*drops the mic*
*scrambles around trying to pick up the mic*
[20min earlier]
*other guy covering my mic in butter*
@Ghetto_Trophy
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.