@poutinesmoothie

Lactose intolerant means you shouldn’t eat dairy products.

Lack Toast & Tolerant means you don’t have any toast and you’re okay with it.

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@OhhBradd

How many pushups can Ryan Gosling do?

All of them.

@RandomAntics

I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.

@KeetPotato

you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know

@InternetHippo

As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts

@Skullcat

My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes

@NewDadNotes

God: you’re a fire ant.

Fire Ant: what does that mean?

God: when you bite something it burns like fire.

Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?

God: what-no.

Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!

@mommajessiec

8yo: You’re annoying me!

10yo: No, you’re annoying me!

Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.

@trojansauce

[rap battle]

*drops the mic*

*scrambles around trying to pick up the mic*

[20min earlier]

*other guy covering my mic in butter*