Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
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me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
Dog: I am more loyal, intelligent, and social
Cat:
Dog: I am faster, stronger, and more dangerous
Cat:
*power goes out*
Dog: *panics and runs directly into the wall in the dark, knocking himself out cold*
Cat: you were saying
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out
If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
her: aww you’re a cat dad!!
me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings
her: oh-
me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds
her: i… um…
me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies
her: yay!!!
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
Sounds about right. 😂🤣
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.
Judge, “Don’t.”
Me, “I rest my case.”
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.