Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
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security question: who was your first grade teacher?
my first grade teacher, hacking my bank account: oh HELL yes
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
SHEEP: you herd me
Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.