@fro_vo

ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something

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@parkerismss

security question: who was your first grade teacher?

my first grade teacher, hacking my bank account: oh HELL yes

@kate_smithxx

I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.

@Tipocazzuto

Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?

Me: why?

Her: who vacuums their bed?

Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.

@ShortSleeveSuit

ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?

GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?

@fro_vo

SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me

@dumbbeezie

Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you

@GorillaNipples1

Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.

@HatfieldAnne

If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.