Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
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“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
Overhead my kids arguing about what color is the “tastiest” for a banana to be eaten. One said yellow with brown spot and the other said green.
First of all, this just proves that kids can fight about anything and secondly, both of them are wrong… It’s yellow.
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?
Dear hiring manager,
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
The absolute effort that went into this omg
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.