Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
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What’s a Messi?
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
[social gathering]
guy: wow, you work in an ER?
me: yep
guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?
me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.
Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”
I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”