“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
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My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
Love is always patient and kind.
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you
Me: ooh, what am I wearing
Killer:
Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
me irl
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
Caveman1: look, I invent wheel
Caveman2: what we do now?
Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel
Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you